Oct. 10th, 2006

slavetothestage: (procrastinators unite)
So I want to be an actress.

This might not be a surprise to some people. I mean...I never came out and said I wanted to actually do theatre as a career before. I did a ton of it in high school and everything, but I found myself a little bored by the rehearsal process, so I figured it wasn't for me. However, doing REAL rehearsing and getting down really deep with characters and everything has just lit this fire in me. This is what I want to do. I want to be able to do this emotional mining and stretching of my mind, body, and soul forever. I want to be on stage with an audience feeding off my energy and giving it back. I want a life of being able to love who I am but also be able to love the characters I play.

I love Virginia. She's a total bitch, and the entire cast reminds me of this every time I come off stage, but I absolutely love her as, I think, only someone who plays her could. Because I have to dig deep and find out WHY she's such a bitch. And I know. I understand why she lashes out, why she has these huge walls around her heart, and I hurt for her when the one person she let herself open up to, even if it wasn't completely, throws it in her face. Maybe, given time, she could have really given herself to him. It would have taken quite a while. Virginia is someone who has been hurt all her life. Her dad's an alcoholic, her mom wasn't strong enough to keep him from beating her and her daughter, her sister remained the favorite enough to avoid a childhood of abuse, she made the mistake of trapping herself in an awful, abusive marriage... If you really think about it, it makes sense that she is the way she is. She's a survivor. She's smart and beautiful, and she should have been able to make a real life for herself. And she'll always survive, but it's never going to get considerably better than what she has now.

Not to say that she doesn't have flaws. She married Costa, for one. Nobody forced her to. But she has an obsession with money born from a bitterness about not having it growing up. But it's so hard for me to blame her. She's had an awful life. And Natalie even makes the observation in the play when Butch complains about her bitchiness: "Who could blame her? Chain anybody to a husband like hers..." But she knows how to use what she has. She has smarts, and she has looks. It's how she's gotten this far in her life. It may not seem like much to be in a blood-sucking marriage, but she has $3,000 saved up of what has to be her personal savings. She has money, and some sort of material stability. That's already something she didn't grow up with. She just picked the wrong financially stable immigrant to settle for. Love is so valueless to her that it probably never crossed her mind to wait for it. After all, when you don't have an example of a good relationship growing up, especially if you have an example of such an awful, abusive relationship instead, it's harder to know how to make a good relationship for yourself.

I don't really know why I'm rambling with this. I'm odd. I'm also ASMing for Eurydice, which makes me crazy.


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December 2009

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